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Vol. III Halfway Happy

by VCTMS

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1.
Ask Yourself 02:41
Nothing’s ever been beautiful I've thought that for quite some time Everything ends and everyone dies Death is a constant that I think about all the time Where do I place these thoughts Who can understand How alone I feel, how alone I am Still a victim of my own mind Still can’t do anything right i’m composed of demon limbs And i’m still anxious all the time Bad days and disappointment All that’s ever relevant Ask yourself, will anything ever be worth it?
2.
3.
Tape // Worm 03:20
I aged each day while stress weighed heavy on my psyche night brings a hearse and i’ve felt fucking dead lately My disposition is intrusive and i’ve been having difficulty accepting the fact that i’m the reason for my misery overwhelmed by this debris of doubt, but disregard Everyone left me to fall apart Always on the edge and I don’t know whether I wanted to keep above or sink below Spending all the days biting my tongue Holding my breath until I empty my lungs Been wishing I meant something to someone Look what you’ve done x2 Do you ever think about when you weren’t so grey when everything you did wasn’t a mistake Spending all the days biting my tongue Holding my breath until I empty my lungs Been wishing I meant something to someone Look what you’ve done
4.
The anesthetic never set in and i’m wondering what the hell i’m doing here My body’s giving out on me despite the pills and all this fucking therapy The anesthetic never set in and i’m wondering if i’ll ever feel alive again i’m sick, i’m spent and i’m wearing thin But I don’t want this, why is this the life I live As I sit here in my hospital bed, it smells of alcohol and dead skin, my mind is rotting with each passing second, as I riddle with my depression, all under my descrection The anesthetic never set in and i’m wondering if i’ll ever feel alive again i’m sick, i’m spent and i’m wearing thin But I don’t want this, why is this the life I live my mind is rotting with each passing second, as I riddle with my depression I’ve given life to this grief that I couldn’t understand slumped heavy and dug my line in the sand lamentation that’s all that could grow the doubt you planted i’ve made it my home like the flowers outside my spirit is dead took out the dirt and I made this my bed The anesthetic never set in and i’m wondering if i’ll ever feel alive again
5.
Still hollow and dead behind the eyes I know i'm barely breathing, struggling to stay alive My pain remains constant, i’ve always been addicted to the hurt Set aside these emotions, they never came first brittle and frail so lay me restless as I slowly derail Silence never helped me sleep sadness only made me weak i’m all but a memory brittle and frail so lay me restless as I slowly derail ache rips though my bones still stressing over things I can’t control I attempted to let go, this vacancy never made me feel whole I was doomed to finish last Still hollow and dead behind the eyes I know i'm barely breathing, struggling to stay alive My pain remains constant, i’ve always been addicted to the hurt Set aside these emotions, they never came first
6.
It’s been a long time since i’ve felt right I’ve been dying to leave as I bleed on the inside Was there any weight in the words exchanged? I’ll numb myself instead, let the cancer spread cause You’ve sucked the feeling away this chip on my shoulder something that I can’t shake I promise I gave you everything Nothing more that I can give Nothing left for you to take i'm tired of speaking with a ghost that I kept too close, now i’m someone that I don’t even know How did I become someone else what did I ever do wrong as I exposed all my flaws, you built up your wall I was always at fault My lungs gave out when I tried to explain I walked on needles and pins and never mattered anyway Did you mean it? Or was it to mess with my head I’m drowning in the deep end of everything that you said Drag my knuckles till they bruise, spill my guts from the abuse Sounds of somber echoed through my room I'm drowning in pathetic thoughts of you Despite the fact that you took everything I don’t always wish things differently i'm tired of speaking with a ghost that I kept too close, now i’m someone that I don’t even know the words you spoke only echoed a growing doubt That submerged right into my brain Here I am a bird trapped in a cage Still a bird trapped in a cage Bittersweet, This loss is beautifully depressing Life is beautifully depressing
7.
Stasis 02:52
Stasis clocks ticking & i’m losing myself to my mind bed of nails scraping by on borrowed time I guess every rose has it’s thorn right? I guess everyone’s gotta die sometime The people closest to you, hurt you in ways you never thought they would do just a stranger that you once knew, we’re all toxic people that fill up the room I’ve lost most faith in myself and even more in everyone else Let’s just be honest and admit we don’t deserve to live Haze drifted over and replaced the sun self esteem dissolved, I lame legged and hung Swallowed my guilt and accepted defeat Here I lay hollow still, face down on the concrete I'm broken, beneath the sting of heartbreak Morphine to help with the pain intoxicate me, so I can waste away clocks ticking & i’m losing myself to my mind bed of nails scraping by on borrowed time I guess every rose has it’s thorn right? I guess everyone’s gotta die sometime x2 here’s to feeling sorry for yourself Still the one you know and loathe still the one you loathe life’s fucked and that’s just how the story goes Three cheers to giving in, yeah I gave up I’ve always hated the person i’ve become Three cheers to giving in, yeah I gave up I was never good enough to anyone
8.
9.
Here I decay with all that I am Isolate me, everyone come take a stab Red at both corners of my eyes Convulsion in my veins, watch me fucking snap Hate is what brought me here Bloodthirst devours all my peers The venom seeps into my head pulsing through, vision runs red I walk alone in this washed out place Just another person that can’t be saved Hold me under, drown my fear Squeeze until I disappear I saw the light vacate my eyes Misery bloomed and swallowed me alive Innocence dimmed as my spirit died Still mentally destroyed, all thanks to you right? Heartache i’m sorry I made the same mistake twice Hate is what brought me here Bloodthirst devours all my peers The venom seeps into my head pulsing through, seeing red again I walk alone in this washed out place Just another person that can’t be saved Blade to my neck Let me feel the disconnect Let me feel all the wasted time that I spent remind me of all my failed attempts I’ll black out once again Hold me under, drown my fear Squeeze until I disappear I’ll decay under my own hands One bad day changed who I am
10.
Treacherous memories just wanted to forget madness my emergency exit I can close the door on all the dreadful things that happened Until I let myself slip and give into your sins bleed the thoughts in the back your head spinning over and over and over again Getting over and under and under the skin Spin spin spin Dragged through the five stages Now i'm sure I know what grief is I finally reached the point of stasis roaming through these empty spaces picking apart my brain as darkness permeates forever stuck in retrograde In and out of attachment to avoid the hurt, to escape this madness madness my emergency exit you can close the door on all that’s happened I let my sanity slip away it was the best decision I have ever made If you don’t want the guilt and you don’t want to feel the pain Follow me it’s easy you just do the same Slightly sadistic i'm off the edge, the abyss, the place where you don't care anymore Where all hope dies and your past screams Reducing yourself down to lunacy Gloom lays over me Twisted trains of thought, i've internalized this pain for so long
11.
Blank face, emotionless, anxiety renders me useless And i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place Six feet deep, feeling guilty over past mistakes I’m burnt out, the light in my eyes flicker The anger pent up fucking grows bigger And I feel comfort in downing this liquor Till I feel it slowly tear up my liver Depression will run its course till i’m dead Till i’m numb enough to know there’s nothing left A living corpse untill I wait till the end Does it ever get better? No I just pretend In my head no one else can relate In my head I don’t see the better days I’m seeing so many others happy And all I ever wanted was a taste Happiness never came easy Longed for that feeling believe me It’s hard to find i’ve been searching my whole life I come out empty handed every fucking time What’s the point? I’m tired of trying Misery is much more inviting No more hiding, these smiles aren’t sticking hope is slipping, optimisms fucking missing In my head no one else can relate In my head I don’t see the better days I’m seeing so many others happy And all I ever wanted was a taste The color nothing, i’m deadly dull Lack of serotonin is the result Feeling the steady decline Manic episodes at an all time high
12.
Clinging to self depreciation & dissociation i’ve dug holes so deep relying on self medication Even with separation from the world, i’m losing to this sickness My coping mechanisms became destructive & counter productive, every day i’m exhausted a ghost of who I used to be, when I look back nostalgia always seems to kill me Is that it? Repression only goes so far until the layers of your skin peel and the wounds left untreated, never learn to heal Hindsight is a pathetic thing, who cares if you understand, when it's already too late I don’t care where i’ve been, if where I am is why i’m sinking is why i’m sinking will I ever enjoy my moments here anymore, or will time always escape me? Sometimes I think i’ve felt everything, everything i’ll ever feel nothing will be new, just lesser versions of what i’ve already felt Just a ghost of who I used to be Hindsight is a pathetic thing, who cares if you understand, when it's already too late I don’t care where i’ve been, if where I am is why i’m sinking Clinging to self depreciation & dissociation i’ve dug holes so deep relying on self medication Repression only went so far until my skin peeled these wounds left untreated, never learned to heal

credits

released August 31, 2018

Tracked by Erik Stacey Of Darklord Recordings
Mixed / Mastered by Jesse Of KB Recordings

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VCTMS Streamwood, Illinois

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